Its been VERY hard to make time to sit down and write. I am either running errands, working, spending time with the girlfriend or sleeping. Clearly I am not too good at this whole blog thing. There is a couple things I want to get off my chest and just kinda air out which brings me to why I am even attempting to blog in the last 10 minutes of my lunch.
This last month has been a crazy one, from our weekend away in Maine, till this past Sunday where we attended a 102.5 Country Block Party concert on Lansdowne Street in Boston. Trying to pay off debt yet till enjoy life. My girlfriend gave me her promise with a beautiful ring, which I mean, doesn’t really change the intent of our relationship just kinda makes it a little more serious? I guess? I have always taken it seriously, but this just kinda makes things real you could say? and I have found the perfect one for her, she doesn’t know when shes getting it or the cute way I’ve planned it, so she may know what it looks like but I do get to surprise her with the presentation. Work hasn’t changed much except my performance has only increased so I am trying to stay focused, and keep those goals high so I can end the quarter strong, and receive a good solid bonus in December that would help out with bills.
This end of this year is going to be tying up A LOT of loose ends that needed to be taken care of, so this is going to be a major relief, and I feel like I am just going to be an anxious mess until the time comes, So if you’re someone who has to deal with me on the daily! I appreciate your patience and your love, and kind words, the holidays are the worst for me, and it brings out a lot of my negativity, so feel free to put me in my place.
One thing I want to recognize that has happened was one night when Erika was sleeping over, we were in bed just being all cutesy, and lovey lovey, she just kinda stops, kisses me, and tells me how much she loves me, and gushes her feelings about me.. I literally start crying and I cry. I cry. and I cry. and shes super confused of course because why the hell am I crying after her being literally the sweetest person on this planet?
and it just came all out.
I told her, a year ago, I didn’t want to be here, I didn’t want to deal with the bullshit. I was struggling to pay bills, had no help, work was a struggle, my car was always breaking down, I was being the parent in my relationship with my mom, my “significant other” who I was madly in love with was just getting ready to break my heart into millions of pieces, I was emotionally abused and manipulated, confused as to why I deserved all this heartbreak when I was constantly just trying to be the best person I could. I didn’t feel enough, and to me, ending everything would be a lot easier than dealing with the day to day. But I never did, and I kept on, and I struggled, and I cried, and I survived, and If I didn’t I wouldn’t of known the love she had to give, and now everything is in its happy place. I have a great car that I haven’t had to repair not once, I no longer am responsible for my mother, and have cut ties with her as much as I could, I am doing wonderful in my current position at my job, I have an apartment that most days I love, (except for the neighbors upstairs), my roommate is dependable and a blessing, my girlfriend is madly in love with me, and shows me everyday just how much she cares, I have a lot of debt cleared and I am building my credit, I have friends who still love and support me after the crazy train wreck of a year I went through. and I could’ve missed all that. I could’ve missed out on it ‘getting better’ and it’s just such an accomplishment that I have gotten this far at the age of 24, with the shitty past that I’ve had, That I didn’t turn to drugs and alcohol, or end up with an arrest record, or on the streets, or stuck in a minimum wage job.
I was just really overwhelmed with how thankful I was with where I am in life.
I am an overthinking, and a worrier, and analyst by nature. I set goals, I have dreams and I do my best to make them happen. I don’t settle for no when I know its possible. I usually never give my self enough credit, even if credit due.
It was just a nice relief to have that one moment of complete bliss of accepting how far I have come in the last few years. More people need to take the time to think of how far they have come instead of how far they have to go.