And I was silent.
When normally I would gladly explain my emotions. Vent my feelings. Get it off my chest. Let it out so it doesn’t consume my brain or heart any more.
I just don’t have the right words.
I cried at the thought of the conversation. Not even at the conversation itself, but just the possible outcomes, the emotions, the scenarios that COULD happen, or the words that COULD slip.
I cried because I’ve never been so scared of a reaction, of an answer, or of rejection.
Rejection is a tough word for me to swallow. I’ve had a hard time with it all my life. So has everyone right? But for me, it’s crippling, it makes me embarrassed, I never want to try again or be seen, I cry at the mere thought. It’s a huge anxiety trigger for me.
The conversation tonight was with her mom – about taking things to another level, about moving in with me. Which is scary for any couple especially if you’ve been through this before, and ended up coming back home, but this one is a little harder.
Her parents although very accepting of me, always offering their advice, always lending a hand, inviting me for dinner, letting me spend the nights when I stayed in Manchester and the drive was too far, football sundays, bingo nights, and weekend aways- make me nervous about my gayness and me and erika as a couple in general.
I just worry about making the wrong move, saying the wrong thing, losing every thing I’ve built with them. I don’t want them to hate me, I don’t want them to hate us. I want them to know how much I love you, appreciate you, want to spend my life with you, without overwhelming them. I want them to know that yeah I may be a woman, but I love their daughter with every piece of my heart, and i do my best everyday to put a smile on your face and in your heart, and that I could only hope that it’s enough.
You face timed me after the conversation was over, said that she had worries about gussy, which we both did as well, you said that you mentioned that which I’m glad she knows it’s on our minds as well. She mentioned that she wanted you there for the holidays ( which we would’ve been anyways lololol) but we didn’t plan on right away anyways and you told her that. She mentioned that she didn’t want to see you get hurt, to which my response was “well did you tell her? Like nahhh mom I got this, I’m going to hurt her, she’s too crazy about me ” you giggled, and I then said ” I mean I could tell her how much I love you? And show her? Confess my love to you in front of your parents so they know? ” ( I mean I have been holding it in around them the last 10 months ) and to which you replied ” I dare you ” and you laughed it off and said a sleepily goodnight. You worked hard today as much as I hated to let you go you need your sleep 💕
I’ve never struggled with something so difficult when it comes to being accepted and being gay, it definitely weighs on my heart heavily but it won’t change who I love or how I live my life 🏳️🌈