It was a Tuesday. This day was fuzzy, but uneventful in any progress from your breakdown, again you told me you wouldn’t be coming home. Second night of feeling like I was losing you, slowly but surely, and then all at once. Exactly like how I had fallen in love in the first place.
Anytime I had mentioned I thought I was losing you, you calmed my nerves, and made me feel like I was crazy for thinking so, this was just space you needdd to get yourself together, you loved me, everything was going to be okay. You would be coming home. Eli was waiting for you. I was waiting for you.
I was exhausted, emotionally, mentally, physically. I was a robot, just going through the motions, with tears coming down my face periodically. I couldn’t remember when the last time I had eaten. This was the point where I had stopped all together. I wasn’t hungry, I was nauseous, and the thought of food made me want to vomit. I had the anxious poops, nothing would stay down anyways.
Fast forward to today;
You know what I did today?
Woke up earlier than usual, after only 6 hours of sleep (if that much) started getting ready, straightened my hair, did my makeup, got dressed, made my lunch, started my 8 hour work day, on a new team (with a higher pay than last year) when I got out of work, I sat across from the table at my favorite restaurant of the woman I have fallen so madly in love with the last 11 months. Discussing our future for her to move in with me, and getting our own place when this lease is up over dinner. Knowing I fully trust this human being across from me. Knowing that even though I’ve been so hurt before in my past, my heart is so strong to be able to go through “love” again, even so soon.
And that is why I am sitting here every day this week going back. I am doing this, “one year review” let’s call it, to remind myself how strong I am, how thankful I am. How much worse things could be than the little things that are happening lately. That my past doesn’t define me.
Last and most importantly, I write about this to be able to say, if things would’ve gone my way, I wouldn’t not have been here- I would have missed out on all this happiness, all these adventures, on my heart being
And utterly full. ❤️