Looking back at this day I had no clue what was going on. No answers from anyone. Still begging YOU to come home. I didn’t understand what made you do this to ME.
I tried to look back and see where I went wrong. I tried convincing myself if I wasn’t so jealous, or insecure, or if I made more money, or if I had just not nagged you so much maybe you wouldn’t have left. It took me MONTHS to realize it wasn’t me. It was you.
And I’m not trying to point fingers. I’m not trying to place the blame. I could’ve given more, but I also couldn’t because I wasn’t receiving it back. I didn’t have any more to give. I needed love back too. I was literally empty by the time you left. All your actions made me respond – and it was unhealthy, and it was a bad place. But if you had just loved me, thought I was enough, appreciated what you had, instead of thinking the grass was greener, because life was getting tough- then things would’ve turned out differently. But that’s not what happened. You took your one foot that was out the door already since the beginning and made it two. And you were gone.
The night you left, it was because you were talking to “Amanda” on your phone which was why when I called you you didn’t answer and I got the busy signal. I was frustrated. Supposedly this girl “Amanda” was a friend, but I had never heard of her until recently. Never saw a picture of her, it was just a name in your phone. Which you couldn’t even admit to later on being probably the person you left me for. She Wasn’t your facebook friend. Oh that’s right you “didn’t have facebook” so I was sick of it, all the lies, all the hiding, all the betrayal. I wanted honesty, loyalty, the trust.
We fought over so many things hat couldn’t just been prevented. It was exhausting. I didn’t ask for much but the little I did ask for I couldn’t even get.
I just didn’t understand it. I still sorta dont. You had it so EASY. Everything that I ever did, was for you. Worked so many hours to be able to pay rent and bills so it didn’t put any pressure on you, you bought food and did dates for us. I took care of your dog when you did work, I moved to Manchester instead of Nashua because it was cheaper and into a shit hole instead of a nicer apartment so that way you could have your dog you’ve been wanting for years. I would get home and cook and you would sometimes clean. I would cancel plans to hangout with you. I would leave work to be able to spend time with you. I would sit on the phone with you throughout your day when you felt anxious and just wanted to hear my voice cause it made you feel better. I would literally do anything that I physically possible could to make you happy. Yet that STILL wasn’t enough. I honestly don’t know what ever will be. I think you’re going to constantly search for me in everyone else you date because I made it so easy for you.
At this day I was close to giving up, I was giving myself pep talks about how to live my life without you, but there were times throughout the day that you would make me feel like everything was okay, plus you started that program and were really focusing on your mental health. We still said I love yous and good nights and good mornings. I had hope but my heart was heavy and I was trying to cope. I still couldn’t eat or sleep without crying. I still was trying to just figure out what I could do to make things go back to the way they were. But did I even want that? Did I want the lies and confusion? I knew that I didn’t want to live without you. I knew that I didn’t know how to function with my heart so heavy. I didn’t think I’d survive. I was thinking worse case scenario and that life would be so much easier for everyone if I disappeared.
Plus my support system was sick of the tears and the dramatics. My friends knew how much bullshit that we had gone through, and were sick of me being treated like shit. They knew I deserved better even though I didn’t think so. I felt so guilty for putting them through my mess and leaning on them when I was going through this.
I know this is a dark post, but what I didn’t know on this day was in 3 days my life was about to change In the most unexpected ways but exactly what I needed. I wish someone had told me sooner what my future was holding, so maybe I wouldn’t have been a mess this whole week.